loracs | My semi-permanent eye make-up

These are the most visual marks from my mugging experience. I took these the next day. The flash makes the bruise look much lighter than it actually was. Now, four days later it's less swollen and the colors are fading from dark purple to lighter variations of purples, greens, and yellows.

I didn't carry a purse the last two days at work. I know I have to change this because 1. I want to carry a purse and 2. I need to carry my test kit and insulin. I know at least once and probably twice, I needed it at work. Instead, I suffered with high numbers. I am angry at myself for letting him do this to me. I didn't even want to carry a plastic bag - nothing that someone could grab. I started this entry thinking I'd show the photos and say I'm fine, everything's fine, everything is back to normal, then I started this paragraph and realized that it's not. At least twice I've highlighted this with the intent to delete. Even now I think - maybe I'll set this post to "private". It will not make it any less true, if I say this only to myself. Though only a handful of people will read this, I still worry about putting this out in the world. This idea that I'm feeling that goddamn vulnerable from a really minor event. Further below the surface, I wonder if I'm this disturbed by this event, how would I handle a really violent attack. To what level would I change my life to feel safe. After all, there is no permanent physical damage, in fact, because this sent me back to Dr. J for some adjustments, I'm feeling better than before the mugging - how's that for a silver lining.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

It's not minor, sweetie, and it's 100% normal to be traumatized after being attacked. Your entire rational brain can know you're in no more danger today than you were in before you were assaulted, but your hindbrain is going to be hypervigilant for a while. It's totally normal. Also, you may have panic attacks, and the thing the shrink told me that helped most was, "Panic attacks feel like you're dying, but they've never killed anyone. They feel terrible, but they won't kill you."

Love you a lot. Hope this heals quickly, and I'm not talking about your eye.

Thank you for so many things.

This was a violent attack. It hurt and scared you -- and it sure as hell scared me when I heard about it. You handled it well,but it's going to go on resonating for a while.

Do you know about Impact Bay Area? They teach practical self-defense, and they help people work through these issues.

Yes, I know about Impact Bay Area. Back when they were BAMM (Bay Area Model Mugging), I had a friend go through the program and she loved it. The same day I was mugged, the Safety Committee at my work was meeting specifically about these kinds of attacks. In Oct. they are offering a 3 hour class for woman addressing how to not look like an easy target. I'll probably take it.

I'm really glad you posted this.

It is not minor. You are having a predictable and completely understandable reaction. It will pass at its own speed.

You would handle more violence as you are handling this; carefully, honestly, and with integrity. Because that's who you are.

I wish I lived closer by - I would be there to give you a big hug right now. Since I can't be there to be supportive, I'll offer a practical suggestion. When I moved to Russia, muggings were so common, I got into the habit of carrying basically a travel bag from Eddie Bauer that had a strap long enough that I could carry it across my torso and still have the bag fall close to my hip if I so desired (and that's with my extremely large size.) It was a safety suggestion from the embassy, and it saved me from getting my purse grabbed more than once. Muggers realized they couldn't really remove it from that cross torso position, particularly on a large person.

I carry a black leather purse now - roomy with three pockets that fit testing kit, cell phone, wallet, random junk, and it has a strap long enough to fit me cross torso (which, having seen me, you know is quite a feat.) I feel very secure carrying my bag this way, as it also keeps my hands free. If you ever need a recommendation for a good bag that can be carried this way and works for a gorgeous big woman, you just let me know.

Be well - and don't let this toady bastard's cowardly act get you down!

XOXOX

Melissa

At this point I can only repeat the wisdom of previous comments. It's not minor, and you are not wrong to feel as you do. It will get better, and you will find a solution to keeping the things you need with you. Is it practical to have a second set of supplies you keep at work, even for just a while?

Many hugs and good thoughts.

yep, the previous posts contain very wise words.

and if the attack had been more "major" (caused more damage? lasted longer? the mind boggles), you would actually do fine because (1) we have a certain kind of amnesia for a while after trauma so that we can heal the body first, and (2) your ability to cope in an emergency would kick in and you would be able to take care of what needs to be done and (c) you'd have a bunch of us swarming around 24/7 looking after you.

that said, these posts are important, because we can swarm from all over the place (I've got Chicago covered for the moment).

so go nestle your head on the nearest bosom, sweetie.

I love you.

That looks painful!
I agree with what was said above. It was not a simple thing it was a violent violation to your personal space. This takes some time to get over. It has been along time since the robberies I lived through and I usually feel very safe in most situations which always surprises me. But every once in a while I will react in fear and the strange thing is it is usually in my home in bed. Weird huh?

My semi-permanent eye make-up

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OUCH!