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Feb. 21st, 2005 01:53 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
loracsToday it the start of The Birthdays. My partners is today, his sisters is on Wed. and mine is on Thursday. 47, 45 and 48 respectively. I just realized that by the time they have completed the rehab on my work place and we can move back in I will be 50. Five Ohhhh.
I never thought I'd live to 50 (I know I haven't yet but it's within earshot now.) I also can't imagine not being here - I can only see "forever". How can one hold two such diametrically opposite thoughts in their head at once. Both seem "real" to me.
With this birthday comes a lot of trepidation. When I was diagnosed at age 40 with MS, I make a bargain/wish/hope to have 10 "good" years. This sort of ties into that dying before I turn 50 thing. If I have little or no progression/pain for 10 years then after that it wouldn't matter cause I'd be dead. But now I have this "closer to 50" birthday in a few days. I have an impending knee surgery. I'm feeling more tired than ever. My feet hurt. I don't know if it's the bum knee or the MS but I know my balance has been off. I don't know, I just don't know. I want to be excited about the future again, like I use to be. Now the future just seems repetitive at best, and painful/grey/black/non-existent at the worst.
I never thought I'd live to 50 (I know I haven't yet but it's within earshot now.) I also can't imagine not being here - I can only see "forever". How can one hold two such diametrically opposite thoughts in their head at once. Both seem "real" to me.
With this birthday comes a lot of trepidation. When I was diagnosed at age 40 with MS, I make a bargain/wish/hope to have 10 "good" years. This sort of ties into that dying before I turn 50 thing. If I have little or no progression/pain for 10 years then after that it wouldn't matter cause I'd be dead. But now I have this "closer to 50" birthday in a few days. I have an impending knee surgery. I'm feeling more tired than ever. My feet hurt. I don't know if it's the bum knee or the MS but I know my balance has been off. I don't know, I just don't know. I want to be excited about the future again, like I use to be. Now the future just seems repetitive at best, and painful/grey/black/non-existent at the worst.
